Their Space . . . Or Yours? Internet Issues teens concerned

The popularity of social networking sites, such as Myspace.com and Facebook.com, raise important issues for camp directors intent on protecting their campers—and their camps—from the dark side of the online world.

Traditional concerns about youth and the Internet took a high-tech turn with the advent of this new breed of the "local" hangout—places where young people post personal information often accompanied by pictures of themselves and their (perhaps unwitting) friends.

Free to all comers, such forums provide easy and anonymous access to anyone searching for e-mail addresses, cell phone numbers, or details about body type, sexual preferences, or alcoholic beverages of choice. And the information flow doesn’t stop there. A recent Dateline NBC investigation of teen pages found scenes of binge drinking, apparent drug use, and sex acts.

So concerned are school officials that some are considering banning the posting of personal pages by their students. And so concerned are law enforcement officials that at least one state, Connecticut, is investigating the link between these sites and incidents of sexual assault.

Wiredsafety.org, an online safety, education, and help group, points out that while users sometimes share their personal information in order to find romance, this is not okay for kids. Indeed, the Santa Cruz Sentinel recently reported the arrest of a twenty-six-year-old California man on charges of felony child molestation of a fourteen-year-old he met on Myspace.com.

But child predators aren’t the only problem—and harm to youth not the only risk.

A review of Myspace.com reveals "group" pages created by teens and incorporating the name, and sometimes the logo, of their school or camp. These virtual campfires allow for cyberbullying and the unsupervised exchange of often-inappropriate ideas and pictures that would never be tolerated within the confines of a classroom or cabin.

In some instances, content amounts to sexual innuendo and in others not-so-subtle sexual solicitation. Also featured are photos of kissing, fondling, and groping and dialogue about getting high, getting wasted, or just plain getting mad. And all of this under the banner of organizations committed to education, youth development, and safety.

A natural reaction might be to simply ban teen participation in online networking. But attempting to deny campers’ access may not be the best approach—and may ultimately fail anyway. There are, however, other important steps we can take to keep our campers and our camps safe.

Keeping Campers and Camps Safe
So, what’s a camp director to do?

• Establish and disseminate policies regarding the posting of personal information online.
• Prohibit the use of images (pictures or logos) of or from your camp.
• Visit the sites to monitor compliance.
• Notify campers and their parents about violations of your policy.
• Follow through with consequences.

Educating Parents and Teens
Camps can also play a valuable role in educating families about the threats posed by social networking sites. Wiredsafety.org offers some online safety guidelines for parents.

• Personal information stays personal.
• Make sure your child doesn't spend all of his or her time on the computer.
• Keep the computer in a family room, kitchen, or living room, not in your child's bedroom. Knowing you are watching, kids are less likely to put themselves in risky situations, and you can safely oversee what's going on.
• Learn enough about computers so you can enjoy them together with your kids.
• Watch your children when they're online and see where they go.
• Make sure that your children feel comfortable coming to you with questions.
• Keep kids out of chat rooms unless they are monitored.
• Discuss these rules, get your children to agree to adhere to them, and post them near the computer as a reminder.
• Help them find a balance between computing and other activities.
• Remember to monitor their compliance with these rules, especially when it comes to the amount of time your children spend on the computer.
• Get to know their "online friends" just as you get to know all of their other friends.
• Warn them that people may not be what they seem to be. Predators often pose as children to gain our children's trust.

Developing Protocols for Staff
Camps might also develop protocols for their staff, prohibiting, for example, any online exchange that would be considered a violation of existing personnel policies and the posting of any inappropriate information or photos that can be accessed by campers. Finally, camps may wish to consider using these sites as screening tools when hiring counselors.

Don Schroeder, an employment lawyer in the Boston office of Mintz Levin, says, "While you may not be able to keep people from doing what they want on the Internet, you can certainly take action if you don’t like what you see," including dismissing, or not rehiring, any staff member found to be in violation of the policies you have created.

As with most things Internet, social networking sites offer content both bad and good. At worst, they perpetuate bawdy exhibitionism. At best, they provide a place for the meaningful exchange of creative ideas, memories, and dialogue, keeping young people connected to the friends and experiences that matter most.

In that way, your space is their space, too.

• High school and middle school students overwhelmingly say their parents are or will be the biggest influence on their driving behaviors:
  
  • Nearly 60 percent of high school students and 69 percent of middle school students
    
    
• Adult driving habits, as observed by their teens, suggest parents are modeling risky behaviors:
  
  • Almost two thirds of high school teens (62 percent) say their parents talk on a cell phone while driving; almost half (48 percent) say their parents speed; and a third (31 percent) say their parents don’t wear a safety belt.
    
    
• Teens say they now, or expect to, follow similar driving practices as their parents:
  
  • 62 percent of high school drivers say they talk on a cell phone while driving, and approximately half of both high school teens who don’t yet drive (52 percent) and middle school students (47 percent) say they will.
    
    
  • 67 percent of high school drivers say they speed. Interestingly, most high school teens who don’t yet drive (65 percent) and middle school students (79 percent) say they won’t.
  
  
  
  • 33 percent of high school drivers say they don’t wear their safety belts. High school teens who don’t yet drive (28 percent) and middle school students (20 percent) are less likely to say they won’t.
    
    
• Nine out of ten (89 percent) teens consider themselves "safe" drivers. Yet many teens don’t consider risky behaviors dangerous.
  
  • 27 percent of all high school students and 33 percent of middle school students think speeding is safe.
    
    
  • 25 percent of all high school students and 29 percent of middle school students think driving without a safety belt is safe.
    
    
  • 24 percent of all high school students and 32 percent of middle school students think driving while talking on a cell phone is safe.
    
    
• Why are these driving behaviors dangerous?
  
  • Speeding is a factor in 31 percent of all fatal crashes, killing an average 1,000 Americans each month (Insurance Institute for Highway Safety).
    
    
  • Speeding is a factor in 37 percent of all young driver deaths (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration). Nearly four in five drivers (79 percent) in the U.S. wore their safety belts in 2003, yet safety belt use was only 60 percent in vehicle crashes involving fatalities (NHTSA).
    
    
  • Drivers in a self-reported study by NHTSA estimated nearly 300,000 crashes from 1998-2002 were the result of cell phone use.
    
    
• Additional study findings that support Graduated Drivers Licensing:
  
  • According to NHTSA, young drivers make up less than 7 percent of the driving population yet account for nearly 15 percent of the drivers involved in fatal crashes. These statistics are traditionally attributed to the combination of young driver inexperience, adolescent impulsiveness and great risk exposure (driving at night, and with multiple passengers).
    
    
  • Graduated licensing is a system designed to "phase in" young, beginning drivers to full driving privileges as they mature and develop their driving skills. Graduated licensing has been introduced in many U.S. states, yet the IIHS only rates nine states as having "good" young driver licensing laws.
    
    
  • Effective graduated licensing laws include a minimum six month learner’s permit, followed by restrictions on the time of day teens can drive (no later than 10 p.m. and no earlier than 5 a.m.), and the number of passengers allowed when unsupervised.
    
    
  • Piling In:
    
    • Driving at night is common among nearly all high school drivers (93 percent), yet very few young people (5 percent of high school students and 10 percent of middle school students) consider night driving "unsafe."
      
      
    • According to the IIHS’ most recent study (1999) on crash rates by the number of passengers across different age groups, the more people in a car the greater the likelihood of a crash, especially for the youngest, most inexperienced drivers (16- and 17-year-olds):
      
      

      Crashes per 10,000 trips
      # of passengers:	0	1	2	3
      16/17-year-olds	1.6	2.3	3.3	6.3
      18/19-year-olds				2.1

      
      
  • Driving at Night:
    
    • Nearly two in three high school teen drivers (64 percent) say they drive with more than three people in the car, and 28 percent think this is "safe."
      
      
    • According to the 2002 IIHS data, 41 percent of all teen driving deaths, ages 16-19, occur between the hours of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. Studies show nighttime driving restrictions for teens are associated with crash reductions of up to 60 percent during restricted hours.
      
      
• Methodology
  
  • Data compiled from results of nearly 3,600 self-administered surveys of middle and high school students, grades 6-12.
    
    
  • Students represented 41 schools (21 middle, 20 high) countrywide.
    
    
• The Partners
  • Liberty Mutual and SADD have been partners in teen driving safety since the early 1990s with the inception of the "Avoiding Collisions" program – a video, brochure and teacher’s kit that focuses on four areas of safety: speeding, safety belt use, driving under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, and night driving.
    
    
  • The "Avoiding Collisions" video is available free by calling 1-800-4-LIBERTY.
    
    

Three Tips for Teen Transitions

1. Identify important teen transitions.
   
   
2. Communicate about or recognize and celebrate these important life events.
   
   
3. Encourage your teen to explore healthy growth opportunities.

Identify significant teen transitions.
Important transitions in adolescence can be a one-time thing, such as a first date, first job, or first driver’s license, or the gradual progression toward maturity, including physical, social, and emotional change. Figuring out which transitions are most important to your teen is a critical first step in helping him or her move to adulthood. What "counts" for one teen may not matter much to another teen. Here are some things to keep in mind.

• Tune in to the things that seem important in his daily life.
  
  
• Notice how she spends her days so you can flag changes.
  
  
• Ask how he feels about different transitions.
  
  
• Note how he talks about transitions with friends.
  
  
• Talk about important transitions in your own adolescence.
  
  
• Watch for signs of happiness, joy, stress, anxiety, or depression surrounding change.

Communicate about and recognize or celebrate important life events.
Sending the message that you are "dialed in" to your teen as he takes significant steps along the path to adulthood is an important way to say "I love you, I care about you, and I hear you!" Teens look for signals that they are making real progress toward becoming adults and care very much what you think about them, even if they don’t always show it. Here is what you can do.

• Talk regularly – and casually (teens hate "the big talk") – about the transitions you see him tackling.
  
  
• Recognize these transitions through small gifts, privileges, words, or deeds.
  
  
• Celebrate with a party, a family dinner, or just a special time alone.

Encourage your teen to explore healthy growth opportunities.
In the middle of a society that pays little attention to adolescent transition stand some time-tested organizations that offer teens real opportunities for achievement and reward. Here are some ways you can help.

• Point him toward structured, goal-oriented activities where recognition and appreciation are built in.
  
  
• Identify extracurricular opportunities that will promote her development through the progression of skills or contributions. Some organizations such as summer camps, service-learning clubs, and Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts have embedded rites of passage.
  
  
• Encourage him to invest time and effort in clubs, activities, or athletics with a clear path toward advancement.

Facts about teens

Drinking

• Teens’ involvement with alcohol increases steadily as they mature.
• Younger teens are more likely than older teens to drink because of peer pressure.
• Older teens are more likely than younger teens to drink to escape problems.
• High Sense of Self teens are particularly resistant to peer pressure to drink.
• Teens who are alcohol Repeaters and Experimenters are much more likely than teens who are alcohol Avoiders to have immediate family members who drink a lot.

Drug Use

• The most commonly used drug among teens is marijuana.
• Younger teens are more likely than older teens to use drugs to feel grown up.
• Older teens are more likely than younger teens to use drugs because of stress.
• High Sense of Self teens are considerably less likely than other teens to be susceptible to peer pressure to use drugs.
• Low Sense of Self teens are more likely than are high Sense of Self teens to use drugs to escape from or forget about problems.
• Low Sense of Self teens are more likely to have friends who use drugs.

Sex

• About half of teens have engaged in some sexual activity other than kissing.
• Teens’ motivations for having sex do not vary widely by age.
• The most common reasons for teens to have sex are to strengthen the relationship with a partner and to have fun.
• High Sense of Self teens are more resistant to peer pressure when it comes to decisions about sex and are more likely to refuse an offer to have sex.
• Low Sense of Self teens are more likely than high Sense of Self teens to cite boredom and depression as reasons to have sex.
• Low Sense of Self teens are more likely than high Sense of Self teens to associate sex with negative emotional outcomes such as depression or loss of self-respect.
• Girls are more likely than boys to link sex with loss of self-respect and depression.

Drinking and Drugs

• Teens who avoid drinking and drugs are more likely to have a favorable self-image.
• One of the most common reasons to avoid drinking or using drugs is to please parents.
• Low Sense of Self teens are more likely to feel strongly that it is okay to drive after drinking or using drugs.
• Drug and alcohol Repeaters are particularly likely to have friends who drink or use drugs a lot.

Drinking, Drugs, Sex and Driving

• Teens who choose to avoid potentially destructive behaviors are considerably more inclined than those who do not to view drinking, drugs and sex as very harmful for someone their age.
• Substance Avoiders are more likely to associate specific negative outcomes, such as loss of parent trust, increase risk of auto accidents, chance of risky sexual behaviors and increased risk of poor academic performance, with drinking.

Parents and Teens

• The quality of parent-teen relationships is likely to play a critical role in determining teens’ mood and, thus, their susceptibility to destructive decision-making.
• Teens whose parents set guidelines for their behaviors are more inclined to feel positively about themselves and to avoid drinking and using drugs.
• High Sense of Self teens are more likely than other teens to communicate openly and honestly with their parents and to describe themselves as close to their parents.
• Low Sense of Self teens are particularly likely to feel that they spend an insufficient amount of time with their parents.
• Younger teens are significantly more likely than are older teens to say that their relationship with their parents makes them feel very good about themselves.
• Teens who avoid drinking and drugs are more likely to have positive relationships with parents.

National Study Links Teens’ "Sense of Self" to Alcohol, Drug Use and Sex

How teenagers feel about themselves plays a significant role in whether they choose to drink or use other drugs, according to a new report released today by SADD and Liberty Mutual Group. The Teens Today 2003 study also reveals that a teen’s "Sense of Self," can influence sexual behavior, reaction to peer pressure, and, importantly, be affected by a teen’s relationships with parents.

"Sense of Self" is a young adults' self-evaluation on their progress in three key developmental areas: identity formation, independence and peer relationships. The report finds that teens with a high Sense of Self feel more positive about their own identity, growing independence and relationships with peers than do teens with a low Sense of Self. Specifically, high Sense of Self teens reported feeling smart, successful, responsible and confident and cite positive relationships with parents. Also, significantly, the study revealed that:

1. High Sense of Self teens are more likely to avoid alcohol and drug use;
2. Low Sense of Self teens are more likely to use alcohol and "harder" drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine; and,
3. Parental involvement strongly correlates with teens’ Sense of Self and the decisions they make regarding alcohol and drug use.

"This information is critically important in helping us to better understand the role that self-definition plays in predisposing young adults to destructive decision-making, establishing a clear link between ‘whom they are’ and what they do," said Stephen Wallace, chairman and chief executive officer of the national SADD organization.

Among the key findings demonstrating the importance of Sense of Self and parental relationships:

• 62 percent of teens with a high Sense of Self report that their relationship with their parents helps make them feel good about themselves, while only about one third of low Sense of Self teens report the same.
• Only 30 percent of high school teens whose parents provide a strong level of guidance have used drugs, compared to 48 percent of high school teens whose parents do not provide strong guidance.
• Less than half (47 percent) of high school teens whose parents provide a strong level of guidance have used alcohol, compared to 80 percent of high school teens whose parents do not provide strong guidance.
• Teens with a high Sense of Self report overwhelmingly that they feel respected by their parents (93 percent) and close to their parents (85 percent), while teens with a low Sense of Self report lower levels of respect from their parents (8 percent) and closeness to their parents (12 percent).
• Nearly two thirds (64 percent) of teens believe it is very likely they will lose their parents trust if caught drinking alcohol; two-thirds (67 percent) report the same with respect to drug use.

What Does This Mean For Families?
These findings are consistent with past Teens Today studies that have shown that teens who report regular, open communication with their parents about important issues say they are more likely to try to live up to their parents’ expectations and less likely to drink, use drugs or engage in early sexual behavior.

Paul Condrin, Liberty Mutual executive vice president, Personal Market, said, "We know that parents who cultivate a family environment that includes positive, open channels of communication with their children are much more successful at influencing their children to avoid engaging in dangerous behaviors. Now we know that helping to develop a young person’s positive Sense of Self can go to great lengths at improving the odds that the child will avoid alcohol and drug use."

Importantly, Teens Today 2003 points to important steps parents can take to positively enhance their teens’ Sense of Self.

• Support a wide sampling of interests, activities and age-appropriate behaviors.
• Encourage separation from parents and age-appropriate independence in decision-making.
• Teach peer-to-peer social skills and facilitate (positive) peer relationships.

A teen’s Sense of Self also relates directly to mental health and relationships with peers. For example, teens with a low Sense of Self are more likely than teens with a high Sense of Self to report regular feelings of stress and depression, weaker relationships with parents and greater susceptibility to peer pressure. Other key findings from the research:

• Teens who regularly feel stress or depression are much less inclined than other teens to avoid high-risk behaviors such as drinking, using drugs or engaging in early sexual activity.
• Teens who avoid drinking and drug use are more likely to have a favorable self-image.
• Regular feelings of stress and depression tend to be more common among sexually active teens than among their non-sexually active peers.
• High Sense of Self teens are more resistant to pressure from peers to drink, use drugs or have sex.

Methodology
Teens Today 2003 reports on the completion of a total of 2,753 self-administered surveys by middle and high school students in grades 6 - 12. RoperASW designed the Teens Today 2003 survey and administered it in a nationwide cross-section of 46 schools (25 middle schools, 21 high schools) between May 6 and June 18, 2003. The sampling error for the study at the 95 percent confidence level is +/- 3 percentage points for the total sample. Additional findings from qualitative research (focus groups and individual interviews), designed and conducted by Atlantic Research and Consulting, Inc. in April 2003, were used in the development of the student survey.

Teens rated themselves according to characteristics tied to the adolescent developmental tasks of Identity, Independence and Peer Relations. A composite profile rating each participant as high, medium or low Sense of Self was developed and then correlated to three psychographic profiles, or "decision-types," identified in earlier Teens Today research: Avoiders (teens who tend to avoid alcohol and other drug use), Experimenters (teens who occasionally experiment with alcohol and other drug use), and Repeaters (teens who regularly engage in alcohol and other drug use).

Sense of Self scores were also correlated with the Teens Today decision factors of Mental States (e.g. boredom, depression), Personal Goals (e.g. to feel grown up, to fit in), Potential Outcomes (e.g. impact on academic/athletic performance, chances of getting caught) and Significant People (e.g. parents, peers).

National Study Links Teens’ "Sense of Self" to Alcohol, Drug Use and Sex

How teenagers feel about themselves plays a significant role in whether they choose to drink or use other drugs, according to a new report released today by SADD and Liberty Mutual Group. The Teens Today 2003 study also reveals that a teen’s "Sense of Self," can influence sexual behavior, reaction to peer pressure, and, importantly, be affected by a teen’s relationships with parents.

"Sense of Self" is a young adults' self-evaluation on their progress in three key developmental areas: identity formation, independence and peer relationships. The report finds that teens with a high Sense of Self feel more positive about their own identity, growing independence and relationships with peers than do teens with a low Sense of Self. Specifically, high Sense of Self teens reported feeling smart, successful, responsible and confident and cite positive relationships with parents. Also, significantly, the study revealed that:

1. High Sense of Self teens are more likely to avoid alcohol and drug use;
2. Low Sense of Self teens are more likely to use alcohol and "harder" drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine; and,
3. Parental involvement strongly correlates with teens’ Sense of Self and the decisions they make regarding alcohol and drug use.

"This information is critically important in helping us to better understand the role that self-definition plays in predisposing young adults to destructive decision-making, establishing a clear link between ‘whom they are’ and what they do," said Stephen Wallace, chairman and chief executive officer of the national SADD organization.

Among the key findings demonstrating the importance of Sense of Self and parental relationships:

• 62 percent of teens with a high Sense of Self report that their relationship with their parents helps make them feel good about themselves, while only about one third of low Sense of Self teens report the same.
• Only 30 percent of high school teens whose parents provide a strong level of guidance have used drugs, compared to 48 percent of high school teens whose parents do not provide strong guidance.
• Less than half (47 percent) of high school teens whose parents provide a strong level of guidance have used alcohol, compared to 80 percent of high school teens whose parents do not provide strong guidance.
• Teens with a high Sense of Self report overwhelmingly that they feel respected by their parents (93 percent) and close to their parents (85 percent), while teens with a low Sense of Self report lower levels of respect from their parents (8 percent) and closeness to their parents (12 percent).
• Nearly two thirds (64 percent) of teens believe it is very likely they will lose their parents trust if caught drinking alcohol; two-thirds (67 percent) report the same with respect to drug use.

What Does This Mean For Families?
These findings are consistent with past Teens Today studies that have shown that teens who report regular, open communication with their parents about important issues say they are more likely to try to live up to their parents’ expectations and less likely to drink, use drugs or engage in early sexual behavior.

Paul Condrin, Liberty Mutual executive vice president, Personal Market, said, "We know that parents who cultivate a family environment that includes positive, open channels of communication with their children are much more successful at influencing their children to avoid engaging in dangerous behaviors. Now we know that helping to develop a young person’s positive Sense of Self can go to great lengths at improving the odds that the child will avoid alcohol and drug use."

Importantly, Teens Today 2003 points to important steps parents can take to positively enhance their teens’ Sense of Self.

• Support a wide sampling of interests, activities and age-appropriate behaviors.
• Encourage separation from parents and age-appropriate independence in decision-making.
• Teach peer-to-peer social skills and facilitate (positive) peer relationships.

A teen’s Sense of Self also relates directly to mental health and relationships with peers. For example, teens with a low Sense of Self are more likely than teens with a high Sense of Self to report regular feelings of stress and depression, weaker relationships with parents and greater susceptibility to peer pressure. Other key findings from the research:

• Teens who regularly feel stress or depression are much less inclined than other teens to avoid high-risk behaviors such as drinking, using drugs or engaging in early sexual activity.
• Teens who avoid drinking and drug use are more likely to have a favorable self-image.
• Regular feelings of stress and depression tend to be more common among sexually active teens than among their non-sexually active peers.
• High Sense of Self teens are more resistant to pressure from peers to drink, use drugs or have sex.

Methodology
Teens Today 2003 reports on the completion of a total of 2,753 self-administered surveys by middle and high school students in grades 6 - 12. RoperASW designed the Teens Today 2003 survey and administered it in a nationwide cross-section of 46 schools (25 middle schools, 21 high schools) between May 6 and June 18, 2003. The sampling error for the study at the 95 percent confidence level is +/- 3 percentage points for the total sample. Additional findings from qualitative research (focus groups and individual interviews), designed and conducted by Atlantic Research and Consulting, Inc. in April 2003, were used in the development of the student survey.

Teens rated themselves according to characteristics tied to the adolescent developmental tasks of Identity, Independence and Peer Relations. A composite profile rating each participant as high, medium or low Sense of Self was developed and then correlated to three psychographic profiles, or "decision-types," identified in earlier Teens Today research: Avoiders (teens who tend to avoid alcohol and other drug use), Experimenters (teens who occasionally experiment with alcohol and other drug use), and Repeaters (teens who regularly engage in alcohol and other drug use).

Sense of Self scores were also correlated with the Teens Today decision factors of Mental States (e.g. boredom, depression), Personal Goals (e.g. to feel grown up, to fit in), Potential Outcomes (e.g. impact on academic/athletic performance, chances of getting caught) and Significant People (e.g. parents, peers).

How to Write a Home Rules Contract

What is a Home Rules Contract?
A Home Rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their teens (and preteens). The contract includes basic rules, consequences and privileges.

What is the Purpose of a Home Rules Contract?
The primary purpose of a Home Rules Contract is for teens to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing parents to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A Home Rules Contract will teach teens that there are consequences to breaking rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the teen's mind to school rules as well as the legal system.
A Home Rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and teens. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's rules.

Who is Included in a Home Rules Contract?
We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the teen has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the Home Rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, noncustodial persons who are responsible for the teens for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the child, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the child's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine parents who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front. Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the Home Rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, parents must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward teen!!
Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the teen should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the teen may not enforce the rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.
ALL TEENAGERS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the Home Rules Contract. In order to be effective, all children need to see the Home Rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the child with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending child will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that children of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.

Who Should Write the Home Rules Contract?
A copy of the blank Home Rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told "Do it or else." Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules. Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.
Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening noncooperation!
Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.

What are Appropriate Consequences?
Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.

Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract
Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).
Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior.Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.
Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).
Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules.These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.Example (for the expected behavior listed above):
Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies(car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
Privilege: Teen will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.
Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated.Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.
VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure thatALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN.If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.

Examples of Items that Might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to includein a Home Rules Contract includes:
Curfew
Chores
School behavior and grades
Smoking
Telephone use
Computer use
Use of the car
Alcohol/drug use
Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
Running away
Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
Attendance at therapy sessions
NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.

SAMPLE CONTRACT

Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.) Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment).
Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.
Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.
Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).
Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents. (It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).
Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.

Print a Blank Home Rules Contract to Get You Started
In summary, a Home Rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.
A Blank Home Rules contract for you to get started is provided by clicking on the below link. This blank contract can be printed on your printer by clicking on the printer icon in your browser.

Is My Child A Substance Abuser?

Every day, our kids have to make choices that we, as parents, never even dreamed about when we were kids. Peer pressure is a powerful thing, and many times, our kids will reluctantly go along with the crowd and do things that they are not comfortable with and know are harmful in order to gain acceptance. However, if this behavior repeats itself, over time it will manifest itself in addiction. This can lead to serious behavioral, emotional and health problems, with the symptoms of drug abuse mimicking attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar illness or major depression, which may be misdiagnosed if the care provider does not know of an existing substance abuse problem.
As parents, how can we tell if our children are abusing substances? This is a question many parents ask themselves when their child is having difficulties. Unfortunately, too many parents really don't want to know the answer, because this is one subject that can be too scary, frustrating and guilt-laden to deal with. They may ask the right questions and will even do a little digging around to come up with answers, but then will conclude that there is not a problem and will ignore all the signs and symptoms of addiction that their child actually manifests.
When my child was having multiple problems, I discovered to my dismay that he was obtaining many of the substances he was abusing right in our own house and that these household products can cause very serious brain damage. I have detailed information in the paragraphs below on some of the things our kids are up to that we might never suspect.
Who am I? I am not a doctor, social worker, therapist, etc. I am a parent who works in the medical field, who happens to have a large family in which addiction has played a huge role. I have dealt with substance abuse issues with five of my own children, nieces and nephews, friends of my kids, and I, myself, am a recovered alcoholic. So I am speaking to you from experience and from the heart, to try to let you know about the some of the things that I didn't know about until it was too late. Hopefully what I have to say will give you some of the knowledge you need to make the best decisions for your own child.
DISCLAIMER: The things of which I speak below have been witnessed by me and have also been confirmed by talking with teens outside of my family. I assume no responsibility for any untoward event that may occur as a result of any parent using this information. This site is not meant to take the place of a doctor, psychiatrist, or counselor. If your child is having serious problems, you should consult with a professional. The sole purpose of the information below is to inform parents about some of the little known substances our teens are sometimes abusing.



What are some of the signs to look for?

1.CHANGE IN PERSONALITY -

Your loving child turns mean.
This can happen with the onset of puberty, but it is much worse when there is substance abuse going on. Do you feel like no matter what you say or do, you just can't win? Are you afraid or reluctant to confront your child due to violent outbursts or reactions from them when you attempt to inquire about any part of their lives? Just remember, when a kid is backed into a corner, he may have discovered that the best defense is an offense, and many teens, particularly boys, find that by coming back with loud yelling, they can be very intimidating to their mothers. Suspect drug use if your child has lately become very irritable, unpleasant to or bullying of other family members, very easy to provoke, starts to use a lot of profanity seems tired, worn out and apathetic a lot of the time, or develops a nagging cough, appears to have the sniffles or runny nose, or develops nosebleeds frequently.


2.CHANGE IN APPEARANCE -

Your child's appearance has gone down the tubes.
This might include long stringy hair, too much makeup in girls (or boys), clothes that are way too big and don't fit, all black everything, and rock teeshirts of bands that have values that you deplore (Marilyn Manson immediately comes to mind). If your child is espousing these bands, there is a chance he will also try to "live up to the image" that these bands project. Two of my kids have permanent scars from cutting themselves in imitation of Marilyn Manson, carving anarchy signs into their hands, arms, and stomachs. We want our kids to have some freedom in how they dress and hate to battle with them regarding their choice of clothes. However, sometimes a parent must put his foot down on certain styles. Black rock tee-shirts with obnoxious bands on them may attract other kids who use drugs and cause kids who are not into that scene to shy away from your child.
Obviously, there is probably a kid or two out there in the world who dresses like this and is not up to anything. From my own experience, I do not know one single teen who chooses to dress like this who is not using drugs. This type of clothing is a magnet for other teens who use drugs. Teens who are not using drugs generally do not want to attract that type of friend. However, keep in mind that there are also plenty of teens who sport a very "preppy" look, who are also abusing alcohol and other drugs, so the manner of dress is just one part of the big picture of teen drug abuse.
Also be very wary of the big baggy pants with lots of pockets. These pants, which are quite popular now, provide lots and lots of hiding places for contraband, and there are a few kids who wear these pants with the sole purpose of shoplifting because there are so many places to put things. Another rather unusual tip-off is if you go to buy your child shoes and he states his feet have grown and he now needs a size twice as large as the last time you bought him shoes. Don't take him at his word...measure his feet with one of those metal foot measuring devices found in shoe stores. Our son did this and we discovered that he was hiding contraband in the toes of his shoes. I have also found out that in certain brands of tennis shoes, like Nike, the kids are able to pull up a label from the heel inside the shoe, which creates a little compartment where drugs can be hidden.


3.CHILD SEEMS VERY VAGUE, APATHETIC, DISINTERESTED, OUT OF IT -

Your child seems unusually apathetic, staring into space a lot, not focused on anything, is very vague when you try to carry on a conversation, and generally seems out of it.
This could mean they are high while you are talking to them or that they are coming down from some type of drug that they did the day before, like acid (LSD) or ecstacy, which depletes the serotonin in a teen's brain and can cause very depressed type of behavior. However, note that this could also be a sign of major depression and suicidality, so if this behavior persists, parents PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE IT; seek professional help for your child.


4.CHILD IS REPEATEDLY COMING HOME LATE OR NOT AT ALL -

Problems with keeping curfew or not showing up at all until the next day, stating they spent the night at so-and-so's house but "forgot" to call you.
Don't believe it for a minute. When kids do this, there is a good chance they have gotten high on something and were in no condition to call or come home, or they passed out somewhere, or because they were high, they didn't care about anything, including the consequences of not abiding by their curfew. If a child has been brought up to let his parents know where he is, he will generally call them if he is of sound mind and will be worried about the consequences of NOT calling.



5.RED EYES -

Eyes are red all the time or you are finding bottles of Visine or eye drops in your teen's room, pockets or bookbag.
If a child is trying to cover up his red eyes, he is either smoking pot or possibly huffing, both of which can cause red eyes. If you are finding bottles of Visine or other eye drops, this is a very good indication that your child is up to something. Teens rarely buy things like eye drops unless they are trying to hide something from you.
On the subject of hiding things from you, finding breath mints or breath sprays among your child's possessions can sometimes indicate an attempt to hide the smell of alcohol on the teen's breath.


6.SIGNS OF HUFFING (INHALANT ABUSE) -

Your child seems to be doing excessive cleaning with various cleaning solutions or has a chemical smell on his clothes.
I am going to spend a little more time on this subject because I have dealt with huffing in my son and it left him hearing voices all the time. Huffing, or inhaling various household chemicals in order to get high, is a very, very dangerous activity for your child to engage in. You wouldn't think your child would be so stupid as to do something like this, but huffing might be taking place if you are noticing a chemical or solvent smell coming out of your child's room on a regular basis. When I would ask my son about this smell, he always appeared busy and would say he was cleaning. Unfortunately, since it sounded logical, I didn't question him further. If you smell chemicals frequently on your child's clothes or in his room, please get very suspicious. Huffing burns holes in your child's brain and can cause permanent brain damage, so it is better to investigate and risk being wrong than to ignore it and pay the consequences later with a child who either dies or ends up with severe brain damage.
Young kids are likely to begin on the road to substance abuse by huffing because the chemicals needed are usually lying around the house. Some of the things kids might huff, or inhale, include White-Out (yes, the White-Out that is used in an office). If your child is asking you to buy him White-Out for a school project, your suspicion level should go way up. Schools never require the use of White-Out in school projects. Common markers, especially the large-sized markers, are also used for huffing, so if your child is walking around with markers in his/her pocket, beware! I remember wondering why all of my dry-erase markers kept disappearing. Kids will also huff anything out of an aerosol can, including the aerosol out of whipped cream cans, spray-on leather cleaners, etc.; in fact, any aerosol can of any type can be huffed by the kids. Believe it or not, Glade air freshener is a favorite for kids who like to use inhalants!
Huffing causes severe headaches as well as chronic congestion. My son ended up using an albuterol inhaler because of an asthma-like condition that wouldn't go away. I didn't have a clue that it was self-inflicted due to huffing. If your child is showing any of the other signs above along with lots of headaches, this is another cause for you to get very suspicious


7.ABUSE OF COLD AND COUGH MEDICINES -

Yes, folks, kids are abusing cough syrups and cold pills in record numbers
I thought maybe this was just a local thing, but I had the occasion to speak with a boy who lives 1000 miles from us, and he not only knew all about this trend but admitted to having used cold pills to get high as well. This is much more common than any parent would ever suspect. Every kid I have asked about this has admitted to knowing about it and many times has even admitted to using cold and cough products for the purpose of getting high.
The cold preparation of choice is Coricidin cold pills (which has been yanked from the shelves of numerous stores in our area due in part to this problem). Coricidin comes in a box with 16 pills. I have talked to numerous kids about this, mostly because I couldn't believe it, and all admitted to stealing or buying the Coricidin over the counter and then eating the entire box, which supposedly gives a high similar to the club drug, ketamine, complete with hallucinations. Some of the larger boys have even admitted to me that they took two or more boxes in one sitting (32+ tablets) in an effort to get high. If cold tablets are not available, they are likely to drink an entire bottle of cough syrup with or without alcohol. Nyquil and Robitussin, in particular, are brands a teen might seek out. It is a wise parent who does not keep bottles of these types of cold preparations in the medicine cabinet when there are teens in the house.
Another cold preparation to look out for is Sucrets, which can be crushed and boiled to come up with a powder which contains dextromethorphan, also known as DXM. DXM gives a high similar to drinking several bottles of cough syrup, like Robitussin, and can even cause hallucinations. If you are finding lots of cold preparations around your child's room or in his/her schoolbag, you need to get very suspicious about what your child might be up to.



8.ABUSE OF HOUSEHOLD ITEMS AND HIDDEN PARAPHERNALIA - There are other things around your house that you might never suspect that your teen could be using to get a high
In continuing with the subject of using common household items to get high, another thing some teens have used is pure vanilla extract that you use in cooking because it contains alcohol, and mouthwash preparations, such as Listerine, which also contain alcohol. In fact, any product that contains alcohol that your teen could drink will be used if your teen is into this type of high.Kids have also discovered that nutmeg will give a high similar to LSD and, in fact, is known as the "poor man's LSD." However, there are some rather unpleasant side effects to doing this, including headaches and nausea.
Regarding paraphernalia, you may occasionally uncover a pot pipe during a room search, but many teens have discovered that there are products for sale which ingeniously hide the fact that the item can be used for drugs. There are pipes available now that look like a roll of mints, a makeup brush, a battery, or a cigarette lighter, so if you are searching your child's room for paraphernalia, it is wise to keep this in mind and check out anything that does not seem to quite fit with what your child would ordinarily need.
There are also web sites that kids can get into that tell them how to extract various substances from household products, like hair spray, paint strippers, and acetone-free nail polish remover, to come up with pure drugs. Some of these sites have the word "cookbook" in them. It is very important that you monitor teens' Internet activities through the use of one of the "guardian" type of services that many Internet service providers now offer. There's an awful lot of dangerous garbage out there, and our kids do need to be protected from it, whether they agree with us or not.


9.PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS -

It seems like certain medications are disappearing or being taken faster than the prescription calls for
Parents, if you see this happening, it is not your imagination. If your child has been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness such as ADD, ADHD, bipolar illness or major depression, chances are he/she has also been given a prescription for at least one psychiatric medication, which may or may not be helping. But did you know that one pill of Ritalin or Adderall (common ADHD medications) can be sold on the street for anywhere between $1.00 and $5.00?
Both Ritalin and Adderall are in much demand as drugs of abuse, which are often crushed and snorted by teens to get high. Many enterprising kids have resorted to selling their own prescription drugs to make a few dollars on the side. (Please also see Help! I'm Addicted to Adderall)
Dexedrine, another ADD medication, might go for even more. And kids are more than willing to pay a dollar or two for other psychiatric drugs, such as Prozac, Celexa, and other antidepressants.
Parents, if your teens are on psychiatric medications, no matter how much you trust your child, those medications should be kept in a secure locked cabinet or a lockbox, which can be purchased at any discount store or office supply store. You should be administering these medications to your child and you should check to make sure he is actually taking them. Why leave something like this to chance? In our case, my child was not only stealing and selling his medications, he was sometimes taking up to five pills per day more than the prescription called for in an effort to get high. However, some days he didn't want to take his medication, and although I stood there and thought he was swallowing his medications, he was actually cheeking them. He would then would take them out of his mouth and hide them in his drawer to sell or abuse himself later on. I discovered this when I was looking for something else and came across more than a week's supply of his drugs in little plastic pouches. I eventually discontinued some of his medications altogether rather than deal with the abuse that was going on.



10.QUESTIONABLE FRIENDS - You are pretty sure your child's close friends are abusing drugs
Your child may even admit that some of his friends are using drugs, but will always deny that he/she has any part in it. If your child is spending a lot of time with these friends, don't believe it. If you really think that drug-using friends are considerate enough not to do drugs in front of your child or that your child is just sitting around watching them use while not using himself, think again. If your child is actually resisting taking the drugs, you can be sure he is being goaded and coaxed into using along with the friends. Misery loves company, and it's no fun to get high by yourself. Kids who are not using do not pick users as friends. It is also no fun to sit around and watch other people get stupid on you. So you can bet that if your child's friends are using drugs, he is using with them.


11.LOSS OF WEIGHT -

Your child is looking unusually thin to you, but denies having lost any weight when you question it.
This could be a cover up for anorexia/bulimia, which is a serious problem requiring medical attention and intensive counseling, particularly in girls. It also could be a cover up for the abuse of cocaine and methamphetamines, which speed up the system and take away the appetite, thereby sometimes causing drastic changes in weight. In any case, loss of weight should always be checked out by a doctor to make sure there is not something more serious going on because many serious illnesses can also present with loss of weight.


12.EATING BINGES -

Your child comes home from being with his/her friends and cleans out your refrigerator.
This could also be a sign of anorexia/bulimia if it is accompanied by weight loss, especially if your child disappears into the bathroom immediately after eating and you suspect they are vomiting (purging).
However, this can also be a sign that your child has just been out smoking pot, which is notorious for causing "the munchies." If this behavior is accompanied by red eyes, slurred speech, nasty temper, uncontrollable laughing or exceptional drowsiness, you can be pretty sure that your child has been up to something, probably smoking pot. (However, if he is acting normally and he has just spent several hours in a backyard game of football or other strenuous sport, then don't worry too much about him eating you out of house and home.)
Keep in mind that the pot our kids get hold of today is many times stronger than the pot that was available when many of today's parents were kids, and thus is that much more harmful. Pot can cause permanent short-term memory loss, particularly in younger kids whose brains are still developing. One interesting fact that my son learned in his substance abuse program is that five joints of marijuana have the same harmful effects to the lungs as something like 113 cigarettes, so pot is in no way a "harmless drug" as many of its proponents would like us to believe.

Is Marijuana a Harmless Drug?

According to a survey of adolescents, ages 12 to 17, taken by the
"Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration,"
teens who admitted to using marijuana in the past year
self-reported the following behaviors:

Adolescents who use marijuana weekly are
9 times more likely than non-users
to experiment with illegal drugs or alcohol.

Adolescents who use marijuana weekly are
6 times more likely than non-users
to run away from home

Adolescents who use marijuana weekly are
5 times more likely than non-users
to steal

Adolescents who use marijuana weekly are
nearly 4 times more likely than non-users
to engage in violence.


Adolescents who use marijuana weekly are
3 times more likely
to have thoughts
about committing suicide.


Adolescents who use marijuana
are more prone than non-users
to be involved in destruction of property.


Adolescents who use marijuana
are more prone than non-users
to physically attack other teens.


Adolescents who use marijuana
also reported
* more social withdrawal *
* physical complaints *
* anxiety and depression *
* attention problems *
* thoughts of suicide *


Still think
Marijuana
is a "Harmless Drug"?